The Day the World Didn't End (in October 2002)

I’ll tell you, over the past weeks, just like all of us, I’ve had my ups and downs. I’ve been tossed around by an angry sea of news headlines, I’ve fallen into future tripping, and downward spiraling, and staring out windows wondering, “What am I supposed to do?”

It took me some time to remember, that this is not the end of the world, because my mind was quick to assure me, “It is!” However, this is not our first rodeo. Not for any of us. We’ve been through difficult periods, and we can use those tools now. We can get out a pen and paper and reflect on the last time we thought the world was ending and draw from that wisdom.

During one of my darkest periods, I scotch-taped a quote by Charles Dickens to the front of an empty red notebook. It read: “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.” Back then I had no idea how Dickens’ words would continue to support me throughout my life. I was just a college kid.

I first started submitting short stories to literary magazines when I was at the University of Iowa. I had been awarded an undergraduate tuition scholarship for creative writing from the Writer’s Workshop, but I was insecure and impatient with my dreams. 

The real problem was, I’d been taking Dexedrine for ADD (attention deficit disorder) since I was 11 or 12, but by the time I got to college, the situation was out of hand. I was doubling or tripling the dosage on a daily basis. That was my own fault. One of the most painful side effects of amphetamine addiction is psychosis.

As you may already know, I love etymologies, and psychosis is actually a fascinating word. The root psyche means “soul” and the suffix osis means “abnormal condition.” Thus, I interpret psychosis to mean “an abnormal condition of the soul.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Mine was an extreme case, however I gained a lot of insight about soul’s real purpose by going too far in the wrong direction.

My addiction worsened to the point that, when I went through withdrawal, I spent a few nights in the hospital. When the brain lets go of a chemical addiction it can twist reality to make it seem as if it’s literally the end of the world. Terrible thoughts enter the mind. But let me tell you, the chaos we experience in our minds is not real.

By necessity, I came to that realization in order to extricate myself from that dependency. It was the beginning of a meditation practice that would ground me for decades to come, and the first time I picked up a book by Julia Cameron that would become a guiding light.

Even though the mental and emotional symptoms of drug withdrawal were terrifying (let’s not be Pollyanna about that) there was a moment of quiet in the hospital when I did experience a totally paradoxical emotion: gratitude.

I realized the “abnormal condition” of my soul was that, somehow, I’d convinced myself that I needed drugs to function. I’d abdicated that thrown of “hero” in my own life to Dexedrine. It was so empowering to see this in such a concrete way at such a young age. By no means was it the last time I made that mistake, but now I’m quicker to catch myself when I do it.  

The day I left the hospital, I walked home alone and took my time. I even invited myself out for lunch. Recovery wasn’t a turnaround from one day to the next, but the person I became acquainted with on the other side was someone I hadn’t seen in a while. She was deeply spiritual and excited for the future. Newly sober, I could see that I had written that novel for myself. It had been my fierce companion, delivering me from one side of tragedy to another. No matter how difficult life gets, you can move it through a story to find meaning. 

I went on to achieve my dream of publishing in literary magazines and received an award for fiction. The difficulty of facing my fears opened up grander adventures. I fell in love in Colombia and started a family in a new country.

Earlier this week I was saying to myself, “Wait a second, this is not my first rodeo.” Sure, I’ve been scared for the safety of loved ones this week, and I know you probably have too. But whatever happens we’re in this together. I’m here.

You know, I’ve picked up this story several times over the years, and this week, I dug it out, reflected on it, and rewrote it once again. I offer it as a prompt. This week, as your writing assignment, remember a moment that you thought was “The end of the world.” What wisdom did it offer you? How did it make you who you are today?